| The Official Poopie List
GHOST POOPIE - The kind where you feel
the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE - The kind where you
poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the
paper.
WET POOPIE - The kind where you wipe
your bottom 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put
some toilet paper between your bottom and your underwear so you
won't ruin them with a stain.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE - It happens when
you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees
and then realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POOPIE -
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically
have a stroke.
RICHARD SIMMONS POOPIE - You poopie
so much, you lose 30 pounds.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE - The kind of
poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush it without breaking
it into small pieces with the toilet brush.
SASSEY POOPIE - It is so noisy,
everyone within ear shot is giggling.
DRINKER POOPIE - The kind of poopie
you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most
noticeable trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (alias the "Power
Dump" ) - It's the kind that comes out of your bottom so fast, your
bottom gets splashed with water.
GEE, I WISH I COULD POOPIE, POOPIE -
It's the kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the
toilet and fart.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE - That's where it
hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
LIQUID POOPIE - The kind where
yellowish brown shoots out your bottom and splatters all over the
toilet bowl.
UPPER CLASS POOPIE - The kind that
thinks their poop doesn't smell.
FISHERMAN'S BOBBER POOPIE - That's
the kind where you are in a public restroom, and there are several
people waiting on your stall. You flush two times, but several golf
ball size pieces keep floating to the surface.
Top of page
Why
I'm Tired
For a
couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much
pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood, but now I found
out the real reason. We're tired because we're overworked. Here's
why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140
million are retired.
That leaves 133 million.
There are 85
million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of
this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed
forces.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from
the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At
any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in
prisons.
That leaves just two people to do all the work.
You
and me... and you're sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading
jokes.
Top of page
NOT SO LOUD! Be
careful how loud you talk!!!!
An older gentleman had
an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several
other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He
approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large
imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In
a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME
HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All of the patients in
the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very
embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud
voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO
INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION; AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS!"
Top of page
Vaseline
A man doing market
research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with
three small children running around at her feet .
He said, "I'm doing,
some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes, my
husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind
me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a
little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that
they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire
you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell
me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't
mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob
and it keeps the kids out."
Top of page
Why Dogs Sniff Each
Other
The dogs they had a meeting,
they came from near and far,
some they came by Greyhound bus,
while others came by car.
Before, inside the meeting,
they were allowed to take a look,
they had to take their asses off,
and hang 'em on a hook.
Once inside the meeting,
every mother, son and sire,
some dirty Doberman Pinscher,
began to holler, "Fire!"
They all rushed out, all in a bunch,
they didn't have time to look,
to see which ass belonged to whom,
as they grabbed one off a hook.
They got their asses all mixed up,
it really made them sore,
to have to wear an ass,
that they had never worn before.
And that's the reason why a dog,
will leave a juicy bone,
to go and sniff another's ass,
to see if its his own.
unknown author, c 1963
Top of page
The Golfer
While playing on
the front nine of a complicated golf course, a man became confused
as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a
lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
"I'm on the 7th
hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on
the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine,
the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same
request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you
must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to
his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he
saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the
bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a
sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her
and said, "let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I
understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.
What do you sell?
"I'll tell you, but
you'd laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't," he
promised.
"Well, if you must
know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he
laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
"See," she said, "I
knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not why I'm
laughing," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm
""still"" a hole behind you."
Top of page
Two Sides To Every Story
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night.
We planned to meet in a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon
shopping with the girls, so I thought it might have been my fault
because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say
anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him
upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation
was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off to some place
intimate to talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he
was still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried. What did
I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him
up.
Was it me or something else? I asked
him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really
sure. In the car on the way home I said that I loved him deeply, and
he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what that meant because
he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was
wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to
talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was
going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me, and, to my
surprise, we made love. But he still seemed really distracted, so
afterward I just wanted to comfort him, but instead I just cried
myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I
really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
Played badly today-shot 87-can't
putt. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
Top of page
Sunburn
A man fell asleep on the beach under
the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was
taken to the hospital where his skin had turned bright red, was
painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs
caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings
of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired,
"What good will Viagra do him in his condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the
sheet off his legs."
Top of page
A Carrot, An Egg, or
A Coffee Bean
You will never look at a
cup of coffee the same way again.....
A young woman went to
her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard
for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to
give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one
problem was solved a new one arose.
Her mother took her to
the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a
high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed
carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed
ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a
word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished
the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out
and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed
it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do
you see?"
"Carrots, eggs, and
coffee," she replied.
She brought her closer
and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were
soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling
off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked
her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich
aroma. The daughter then asked. "What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained
that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling
water - but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong,
hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling
water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its
thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after
sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The
ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the
boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she
asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you
respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am
I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity,
do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that
starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have
a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship
or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell
look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff
spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean
actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings
the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and
flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst,
you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is
the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another
level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a
coffee bean?
Top of page
Sperm Count
An 83 year old man went
to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine
shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done.
"I don't think
that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the
doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and
bring it back the following day.
The next day the
old man returns with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the
doctor. "Well," the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I
tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she
tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried
with her teeth out..."
"We never could
get the damn lid off the bottle!"
Top of page
Security
Almost
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was
the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since
that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of
multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.
Now comes
the "Federal Air Transportation Airport
Security Service."
Can't you
see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black
outfits with their initials in large white letters across their
backs:
"FATASS"
I feel
safer already
Top of page
Raisin Bread
A general
store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short
skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the
counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof)
and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. I'd
like some raisin bread please, the man says politely.
The female
clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which
is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost
directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he
surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As
the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male
customers notices what was going on.
Thinking quickly, he
requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy
the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch
the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is
asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is
really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again
atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing
below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring
up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly
man, "Is yours raisin too?"
" No," croaks the old man, "but it's
a quiverin'."
Top of page
Circle Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state
trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer
about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to
try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got
around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept
swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer
said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The
trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's
what they are. I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer
says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called
circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to
writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says,
"Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and
goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer
says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Top of page
What Men Want
A tall well-built woman
with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates
a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without
getting too serious.
Oh, wait, you misread
it...
please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.
Top of page
The Miracle of
Toilet Paper
Fresh from my
shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband
that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long
will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of
years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of
toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts
larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says,
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a
great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Top of page
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
As much as we try to convince
ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump
at the office.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS:
A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED:
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,
as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Top of page
BET YOU DON'T KNOW
THIS
Did you know that in
the human body there is a nerve that connects
the Eyeball to the
Anus?
It's called the Anal
Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty
outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair
from your ass and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
SOMETIMES YA JUST GOTTA
TAKE TIME TO LAUGH........
Top of page
WORMS
A minister decided that
a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The
first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm
was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was
put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put
into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the
sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The
first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke
- Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in
good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the
congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Old lady, Maxine, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you
drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't
you just love little old ladies????
Top of page
A Plumber with a sense of humor
click on picture to enlarge, opens in
new window
Top of page
Now, I think this makes more
sense.
Bassackwards....
The most unfair thing
about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up
a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all
backwards.
(1) You should die first, you know, start out
dead,
get it out of the way. You wake up in a an old age
home,
feeling better every day.
2) You get kicked out for being too
healthy, go collect
your pension, then, when you start work, you
get a
gold watch on your first day.
3) You work 40 years
until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You drink
alcohol, you party,
you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've
only got
a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you
get ready for High School.
4) Then you go to primary school,
you become a kid,
you play, you have no responsibilities, and,
finally,
you become a baby.
5) The last step, you spend
your last 9 months floating
peacefully with luxuries like central
heating, spa,
room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and
then............
You finish off as an orgasm!
Top of page
Top of page
Flower Show
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside
the local
Town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We
never
have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off
and streak
through that stupid Flower show!"
"You're on!"
said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first
little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes And,
completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through The
front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend
soon heard a huge commotion inside the Hall,
followed by loud
applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady
came through the exit door surrounded By
a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend?"
"I won 1st
prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"
Top of page
I LOVE MY JOB.......
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling
rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it
to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was
sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling
brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma
with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can
tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time
of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece
of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a
delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a
darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the
hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the
jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was
not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I
informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with
five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I
aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could
reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I
arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the
fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was
swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work,
think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish
shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself,
"I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you
have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jelly fish bad day
Top of page
Prayers in Church
"Dear Lord," the
preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his
upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would
have continued, but at that moment one very obedient
little girl
(who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and
asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is
butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point.
Top of page
Water Mister
The new Supermarket near
our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the
smell of fresh rain.
When you go by the bread section, the
scent of fresh baked bread fills the area.
When you approach
the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and enjoy the scent of fresh
butter.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle
and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
Top of page
We all know those little computer
symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and :( is a
frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-) :-(
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
(_!_) a regular ass.
(__!__) a fat ass.
(!) a tight ass.
(_*_) a sore
ass.
{_!_} a swishy ass.
(_o_) an ass that's been
around.
(_x_) kiss my ass.
(_X_) leave my ass alone.
(_zzz_) a tired ass.
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass.
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass.
(_?_) Dumb Ass.
Top of page
Airline Travel
A woman was flying from Seattle to
San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento
along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a
delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the
plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man
had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind
because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front
of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the
pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are
in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my
dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when
they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing
Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change
airlines!
True story.... Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR
Top of page
New Doctor
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a young
new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the
doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran
down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit
down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway
to the first doctor and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has
four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was
pregnant?
The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without
looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Top of page
Top of page
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you
get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package, and
remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a
surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun
part begins. Take out the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a
statement, 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is
personally tested'.
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five
times, 'I am so grateful I do not work in the Thermometer quality
control at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS
SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS
Top of page
Colonoscopies
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments
during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the
following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately
male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where
no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?"
Top of page
The Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."
The colon therapist fainted.
Top of page
Top of page
More to come soon.
Top of page
|
.gif)
